Cannonball Read, Book 13

The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold

I'm lazy, so I suggest heading over to Pajiba to read Sophia's Review here, as I feel exactly the same way about it: funny, touching, annoying end. Unlike most people, I love when films are based on novels I've read. It usually has no effect on my feelings on the novel itself. That being said, I'm extremely excited about Peter Jackson's "The Lovely Bones"...trailer here.

Cannonball Read, Book 12 (Is that all, really? God, I suck!)
Slam by Nick Hornby

I'm torn.
I love Hornby and everything he's written. I don't really know how not to love him. So, I'm gonna give him a pass for this one. I'll say (and hope) that he's attempting to dumb down his wit and humor for the younger crowd, as this is billed as a young adult novel.

Obligatory summary:
Sam is an implausibly immature 15-year old boy who has daily conversations with a Tony Hawk poster. The Tony Hawk poster talks back in snippets from his autobiography that usually just annoy both Sam and the reader. Sam meets a girl too pretty for him, falls in lust, has the sex, and knocks said girl up. The bulk of the book is basically Sam coming to terms with the pregnancy and trying to figure out how to deal with it.

Maybe saying that Sam is implausibly immature is naivete on my part. Maybe most 15-year olds really are this fucking stupid. It just didn't work for me. Most of the time, it seemed like Hornby was trying to write what it seemed like an adult trying to connect with a younger audience would write...rather than actually connecting.

I don't know. Apparently the book got pretty good reviews, so I'm probably being too harsh. Despite everything I've written here, I actually enjoyed reading the book. In retrospect, however, it's completely forgettable. I guess I just I expect better from Hornby.

i may be a slacker, but in truth, I never vowed to read 100 books in a year...I vowed 30. I know my limits. My boss and I vowed 30 together. I'm still reading the same 4 books, but somehow completely managed to finish 2 completely other books in the meantime. Those are...

Cannonball Read, Book 10
The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde

I love Oscar Wilde. I love his plays. I love reading about him and watching crappy Jude Law movies based on him. I also love Velvet Goldmine, which is influenced by Oscar Wilde.
Do you know those books that you love even though you've never read them? I feel this way about movies more, but I frickin loved this book...but never read it. I just imagined that one day I would read it and I would love it. Never needed to get around to it.
Did it live up to the hype I created for myself? Yes and no. At first I was a little disappointed. Everytime Harry spoke, I was completely captivated by the writing...but Dorian bored the shit out of me, and Basil was just too pathetic to care about.

Shit, my boss is rushing me out to go help setup for a party...like I care to actually review stuff anyway...

Cannonball Read, Book 11
The Hitchiker's Guide to the Universe by Douglas Adams

I'll reserve my opinion for when I read the other 4 books of the trilogy. I have to go to the cookout now, bitches.

I'm just doing ridiculously bad with the reading. I've started four books, and because I can't decide which of these four to read first, I've somehow managed to read zero.

I AM EXCITED about today. The band The Format got me through one of the hardest times last year, then broke up and broke my heart. Nate Ruess started another band called fun. I already had a plan to go to SXSW, but now that FUN IS GONNA BE THERE, it is on like Donkey Kong.
ALSO, tonight I'm going to drive to Slidell to see My Bloody Valentine in 3d. AWEsome.
Did I even mention the Moulin Rouge sing-along I'm attending in Austin next week? Work is shipping my ass there, and now I have fun to look forward to! AND fun to look forward to! Austin rules.

I still have 38 origami Samurai hats to make for my friend's Hornets bobblehead collection so I better stop wasting time with you lot.

Cannonball Read, Book 9

Mein Kampf by Can't remember his name right now...he's famous though.

Oh, Hitler. Silly, silly Hitler.

Mein Kampf is an "autobiography" that Hitler "wrote". I say "autobiography" because even in the very first paragraph in the very first chapter, he immediately starts in with his nationalist unification crap. Let me give you a tip, Adolf. Make us feel bad for you and then push your agenda...it doesn't work the other way around. I say "wrote" because the lazy motherfucker didn't write it at all...he dictated it to someone else.

So let's get to it.

Intro by Some Guy - Hitler was arrested wrongfully at a protest. This is why he was so angry.
(Um yeah, some guy, let's just ignore the fact that sources* say this "protest" was an armed coup in an attempt to overthrow the government.
*Wikipedia)

Chapter 1 - I am good at everything. I can sing, dance, and I am the best painter that ever lived. I knew when I was 12 that I was destined to be a painter. My father disagreed and wanted me to be a state official, so I rebelled by not doing a damn thing in school and never receiving my diploma. Dad dies. Mom dies.

Chapter 2 - I am a poor, homeless orphan. I apply to Vienna's Academy of Fine Arts and they say that I am "unfit" as an artist.

(I don't think he was that bad. See, pretty puppy.)

I knew now that I was destined to be an architect. Too bad you need to have finished grade school. Being poor and homeless made me realize that I know how to fix every one of Germany's sociopolitical problem: simply put, nationalizing. Oh, and I hate Jews. It is my Christian duty to do so.

Ch. 3 - Man should not publicly take part in politics until they are at least 30. At 35, I know all there is to know about politics. I went to the Austrian parliament and laughted at them. There should not be free elections because the people in power have to actually listen to the dumb easily manipulated people. Oh, not YOU, dear readers. I meant those other people. Also, "By the introduction of parliamentarianism, democracy produced an abortion of filth and fire." Don't ask me why I want to abort filth and fire. Those fuckers had it coming.

(I should point out that it is in this chapter that Hitler begins one of his best manipulation tactics used in Mein Kampf, in my opinion - rhetorical questions. Must we stand for this? Does anybody honestly believe this?)

This is getting long (like this fucking boring-ass book), and I'm not much of a reviewer, so...

The rest of the book - Blah blah blah Nazi party wah wah wah nationalism blah yay Aryans wah boo Jews with there stupid brown hair blah blah should feel appreciative that we even talk to them because it makes them cool by association blah blah. Eventually Germany will rule all. I hereby reinstate the German National Socialist Labour Party. Can I be Fuhrer now?

The End.

In all seriousness, some parts of the book are incredibly interesting in that What-the-fuck-Is-he-actually-serious kind of way, but mostly it's just angry rantings and ideas from a racist with an incredible ability to manipulate. He rambles. He is not interesting. He slams his ideas into your face over and over again until you're just fed up with arguing. Sadly, almost every plan and evil idea that Hitler had is alluded to in this book, but since it sold so poorly (I'm assuming because it sucked so royally), nobody paid attention. Just don't read it...not even out of curiousity. It's not worth it. Instead, see: World War II.

Oh, and just because I found it funny:

From Mein Kampf:

I find two very significant facts standing out clearly before my mind.
First, I became a nationalist.
Second, I learned to understand and grasp the true meaning of history.

From Twilight:

About three things i was absolutely positive:
First, edward was a vampire.
Second, there was a part of him - and i didnt know how dominant that part might be - that thirsted for my blood
Third, i was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.

So what have we learned here, folks? Similar writing style means Stephanie Meyer = Hitler.

Cannonball Read, Book 8
Midnight Sun by Stephanie Meyer

Oh, just shut it.

Okay. Here Goes.

Cannonball Read, Books 4, 5, 6, and 7

Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn by Stephanie Meyer

...not to mention the 'Twilight' movie...

ugh, just kill me now.

Shut up, shut up. I know.

My entire office has read the books. The day the movie opened, they all bought advanced tickets and went together as a group. My roommate tried to get me to read Twilight, but I stood firm that I wouldn't read them. The sad part is that it wasn't because I knew they were horrible. It was because I have a tendency to get sucked in to horrible things, and I knew this would be no exception.

I like to think I have good taste. 'The Godfather', Parts 1 & 2, are my favorite movies. 'The Wire' is, by far, the best show ever on television. Radiohead is the best band of my generation. That being said, I also have an unabashed love for 'Bring it On', 'The O.C.', and Rihanna. Even though I hate it, I watch 'The Hills' every week. You think it's the goth teens that these books are written for? Everyone I know who's read them (which is a lot more people than you would expect) is just like me - 20s, decent taste, gorgeous...you know, normal.

A week and a half ago, I went to Austin for work. This left me with plane rides and college fairs that left plenty of time for reading. I read the book and the magazine that I brought. Thursday, December 4th, I picked up Twilight at the airport for $7. I finished Breaking Dawn yesterday.

When I first started reading Twilight, I probably laughed out loud at 90% of the first 50 pages of the book. The woman italicizes random words. For instance, I noticed the word "get" is italicized randomly throughout the book, and in ways that don't make sense. "When you get to the store, could you get me some ice?" Awesome. She also follows sarcastic sentences up with lines such as 'Heavy sarcasm.' I guess we're too stupid to figure it out for ourselves.

As for the stellar writing, every other line is something along the lines of:

"I tried not to look at him..."

or

"He didn't even notice me..."

or

"I tried not to be aware of him, or at least I tried not to let him know that I was aware of him..."

or (my personal favorite which is uttered at least 20 times in this section of the book...)

"His eyes were dark."

There are entire chapters of each book that could've been left out. Let me be clear about this people...these books are not good.

That being said, after that first 50 pages, there was no going back for me.

I'm not gonna recap (hell, this is already long enough and you can read that anywhere else), but I will say this: Twilight is quick, easy, and entertaining, but it's nothing but romantic fluff. New Moon is significantly better and more interesting, but not really worth your time. Eclipse and Breaking Dawn both bring on massive amounts of the absurd, but still managed to keep me reading. Hell, there was even a point in Breaking Dawn when I gasped out loud at something, put the book down, then thought to myself, "Wait, wait. I think these books are actually good!" before I snapped out of it and kept reading.

The movie...well, the movie's crap. No shock there. I'll still buy it when it comes out on DVD.

In conclusion, I cannot, in good faith, recommend these books. Unless of course, you're like me, 20s, decent taste, gorgeous, and you know what you're getting into.

Now please excuse me while I go read my bootlegged, unfinished copy of 'Midnight Sun' ...It's from Edward's point of view...SQUEE!

just in case.
jim is inappropriate.

Because the girls did there 5 freebies, and I'm powerless to burgeoning trends, tada:


1) Christian Bale (can't he just be alllll of them?) - I have mounds of unwavering affection for this man. He can do no wrong. True story: My friend Laura and I made a fan website about him back in like 1996. Sadly, I just looked for it and Tripod took it down. Bastards. When I broke up with my ex, my boss took down the pictures of him out of my office while I was home packing and crying, and replaced them all with pictures of Christian.

Oh, Lawrie...

2) Gael Garcia Bernal - yummmmmmmm. yummmmmmmmmm. My coworker and I often send emails to each other with nothing but this picture full-sized and the work "BAM!" in the subject. It makes all the days better.

3) Scott Speedman - I started out hardcore Noel. I still love me some Scott Foley, but when Felicity starting falling head-over-heels again for Ben at the end of Season 1, I fell with her. My friend Laura (same Bale friend) and I used to rewind the kiss on the season finale when he jumps across the table over and over again. TMI?

4) Nathan Fillion - I don't know what it is about this man but everytime I see him on screen I just light up. I've watched Dr. Horrible a trillion times. On Firefly, he makes me swoon the whole time I'm watching it. Hell, even creepy Nathan Fillion on Buffy does it for me. I just mmmmmm.

5) Mos Def - Seriously, Mos Def is the only man I can look at a picture of and EVERY TIME, WITHOUT FAIL , I get physically turned on by it.

Honorable mention in case one of these guys does something to turn me off:

Jason Dohring - because he makes me melt and I miss Veronica Mars.