Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Cannonball Read, Book 9
Mein Kampf by Can't remember his name right now...he's famous though.

Oh, Hitler. Silly, silly Hitler.

Mein Kampf is an "autobiography" that Hitler "wrote". I say "autobiography" because even in the very first paragraph in the very first chapter, he immediately starts in with his nationalist unification crap. Let me give you a tip, Adolf. Make us feel bad for you and then push your agenda...it doesn't work the other way around. I say "wrote" because the lazy motherfucker didn't write it at all...he dictated it to someone else.

So let's get to it.

Intro by Some Guy - Hitler was arrested wrongfully at a protest. This is why he was so angry.
(Um yeah, some guy, let's just ignore the fact that sources* say this "protest" was an armed coup in an attempt to overthrow the government.
*Wikipedia)

Chapter 1 - I am good at everything. I can sing, dance, and I am the best painter that ever lived. I knew when I was 12 that I was destined to be a painter. My father disagreed and wanted me to be a state official, so I rebelled by not doing a damn thing in school and never receiving my diploma. Dad dies. Mom dies.

Chapter 2 - I am a poor, homeless orphan. I apply to Vienna's Academy of Fine Arts and they say that I am "unfit" as an artist.

(I don't think he was that bad. See, pretty puppy.)

I knew now that I was destined to be an architect. Too bad you need to have finished grade school. Being poor and homeless made me realize that I know how to fix every one of Germany's sociopolitical problem: simply put, nationalizing. Oh, and I hate Jews. It is my Christian duty to do so.

Ch. 3 - Man should not publicly take part in politics until they are at least 30. At 35, I know all there is to know about politics. I went to the Austrian parliament and laughted at them. There should not be free elections because the people in power have to actually listen to the dumb easily manipulated people. Oh, not YOU, dear readers. I meant those other people. Also, "By the introduction of parliamentarianism, democracy produced an abortion of filth and fire." Don't ask me why I want to abort filth and fire. Those fuckers had it coming.

(I should point out that it is in this chapter that Hitler begins one of his best manipulation tactics used in Mein Kampf, in my opinion - rhetorical questions. Must we stand for this? Does anybody honestly believe this?)

This is getting long (like this fucking boring-ass book), and I'm not much of a reviewer, so...

The rest of the book - Blah blah blah Nazi party wah wah wah nationalism blah yay Aryans wah boo Jews with there stupid brown hair blah blah should feel appreciative that we even talk to them because it makes them cool by association blah blah. Eventually Germany will rule all. I hereby reinstate the German National Socialist Labour Party. Can I be Fuhrer now?

The End.

In all seriousness, some parts of the book are incredibly interesting in that What-the-fuck-Is-he-actually-serious kind of way, but mostly it's just angry rantings and ideas from a racist with an incredible ability to manipulate. He rambles. He is not interesting. He slams his ideas into your face over and over again until you're just fed up with arguing. Sadly, almost every plan and evil idea that Hitler had is alluded to in this book, but since it sold so poorly (I'm assuming because it sucked so royally), nobody paid attention. Just don't read it...not even out of curiousity. It's not worth it. Instead, see: World War II.

Oh, and just because I found it funny:

From Mein Kampf:

I find two very significant facts standing out clearly before my mind.
First, I became a nationalist.
Second, I learned to understand and grasp the true meaning of history.

From Twilight:

About three things i was absolutely positive:
First, edward was a vampire.
Second, there was a part of him - and i didnt know how dominant that part might be - that thirsted for my blood
Third, i was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.

So what have we learned here, folks? Similar writing style means Stephanie Meyer = Hitler.

9 comments:

Jeremy Feist said...

Okay, I was unsure at first, but my Godtopus, I think you just ripped Hitler a new one. From beyond the grave. OOooOOoO!

Hysterical, Jamie!

jamiepants said...

Why, thanks, Jeremy...just doin' my best in the fight to keep Hitler in his place. Even in the afterlife.

Lainey said...

I wish you wrote CliffsNotes. Best. Summary. Ever!

Also, it's SO obvious that SM = AH. How did no one decipher this sooner? You're a freakin' genius, jamiepants!

Sofi said...

Does this mean Bella grows a squared moustache in New Moon?

jamiepants said...

FOr some reason I picture her squared mustache being down there. I'm dirty in the morning, what can I say.

Sofi said...

That's why I lust after you, Jamie. That and your hexagon-shaped bush.

Chapel_Perilous said...

I was totally going to comment on the actual post, but then I read the comments, and octagonal bush nearly made me forget about Hitler.

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